@TweetsByTheTony: Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
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@Epygma: "Do you want to go out on a date?" *sweats nervously* I C-CAN'T "Why?" *shoots friend next to him* I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND'S FUNERAL
@UncleDuke1969: Me: Damn dog is under the covers again! Wife: No she's not. She's next to the bed. Me: Oh. Wife: ... Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
@CrazyClarine: After Paris my Airbnb host tried to say I stained her sheets & headboard w/ hair dye, but the gag is I don't wear hair to bed.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: "FOUR MORE YEARS!!! FOUR MORE YEARS!!!..." - Honey Boo Boo's teachers her senior year of high school