Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
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The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products