@TweetsByTheTony: Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [at the club] *crawling around on the floor* HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
@shutupmikeginn: Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space Reporter: when will it return Putin: WHat
@murrman5: [at divorce lawyer] bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen "he didn't" he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you