@TweetsByTheTony: Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
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@carlawh: When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
@BobTheSuit: Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
@kevinseccia: I'm against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
@TheCiscoKidder: I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from "Married" to "It's Complicated."