*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
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I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
My biological clock is wheezing.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Truth
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…