[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
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A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.