Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
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[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.