It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
You Might Also Like
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.