TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
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[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle