*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
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I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*