*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
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aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Cartman: Respect my
a a
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch