*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
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A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!