[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
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People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something