“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
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Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.