So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
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“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.