*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
You Might Also Like
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”