*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
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I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler