*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
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JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all