[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
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Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.