*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
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Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
It’s the weekend y’all
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room