*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
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What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
monday
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.