My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
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I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
looks legit
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”