Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
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When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.