ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
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Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’