“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
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“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
is nasa ok
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.