Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
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Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”