Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
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Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew