I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
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Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*