broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
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When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Super Hand Dog Face
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too