oh u like geography? name every lake
You Might Also Like
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore