bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
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*looks at you in batman voice*
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow