Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
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Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?