Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
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“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
There is no “we” in pizza
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
My loaf of bread looks terrified
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*