@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. "I'm Bruce Willis" he says. The parrot repeats it. "yeah right" Bruce says, but is secretly worried
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@aguywithnolife: brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it's just nice to be held.
@imchriskelly: i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it