Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
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I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Pringles
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened