@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. "I'm Bruce Willis" he says. The parrot repeats it. "yeah right" Bruce says, but is secretly worried
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@jergarl: Wife: Were you drunk last night? Me:*recalls ordering 59 tacos and losing them* A little, why? W:*opens sock drawer full of tacos M: Ohhh
@HughGoesThere: [bedtime] Me: What’s in vegetable oil? Daughter: Vegetables M: And olive oil? D: Olives M: And baby oil? D: *I turn out the lights and leave
@FancyNancyAnn: I'm at my most gymnastic when I'm trying not to touch the toilet seat, sink and door handle in a public restroom.