Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
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*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.