Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
This is always good for a laugh.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him