They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
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Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Anyone really
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.