Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
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Legend 🤣🤣
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”