Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
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You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Great acting.. 😂
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.