[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
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If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it