[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
You Might Also Like
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”