Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
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Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Me redecorating every room in my mind
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Erm…
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.