Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
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This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
This is true.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.