@KizerBillhelm: Sorry I yelled "April Fool's" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

@: The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

@my_minivan_life: 8yo: ... 6yo: ... 8yo: ... 6yo: ... 8yo: ... 6yo: ... 8yo: ....Punches 6yo in the face. Me: Woah,what the hell was that for? 8yo: He knows.

@flashember: The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

@CaptainJerkwad: Went to a restaurant. The sign said "breakfast anytime." So I ordered French toast during the renaissance