@slackmistress: Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I'm the jerk.

@gojarbe: [on a date] me: what's your favorite book series about a big red dog? her: uhh Clifford, i guess me: wow we have a lot in common

@iamspacegirl: College Advisor: Well, there are a number of career options available in all of your potential majors, you just have to choose someth- Me: please i just want to be a small goat on the side of a mountain

@Kauaibride: you are so beautiful without makeup. -my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

@DanteEvilCat: That awkward moment when someone says "stop", and you don't know whether to respond with "collaborate and listen" or "hammer time."