Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
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I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.