@PortRooster: Buddy of mine dropped some acid... Burnt a hole in the floor... He was tripping for days!
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@Ygrene: [McDonald's drive thru] Me: One burger pls Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it Me: Ha what (In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
@chilldadpalguy: name a hurricane "Jesus" cuz then u could say "Jesus is coming" & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
@CatsVsHumanity: Please please please please please please please... -me, flushing someone else's toilet
@OldSpookMan: I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, "Are you the opposite sex, or am I."