Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
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[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
finally found a reasonable question
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar