“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
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I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
When you kidnap a writer.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started