Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
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Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.