BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
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My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.