BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
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I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣