Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
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The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello