Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
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If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back