Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
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Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
A family that plays together cheats.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Always 🥴
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.