How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
You Might Also Like
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.