@WarrenHolstein: Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
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@notacroc: Date: Lets break the ice. Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?! D: I mea- PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
@murrman5: [typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
@KateWhineHall: Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?! 7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.