Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
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Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I would move hell over six inches for you
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Me trying to look natural in photos
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source