@WarrenHolstein: Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
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@bourgeoisalien: I sign all my coworker's birthday cards, "Please know, this does not mean we're friends" just to avoid any future awkwardness.
@_TayTayJustine: How to flirt: 1. Giggle 2. Apply lip gloss 3. Look down coyly 4. Realize you applied concealer 5. Fall off barstool
@oxnuxo: Fire engines are painted red for camouflage, so they can sneak up on fires without being noticed